Valley of the Shadow of Death
by Kuoleman
Summary: After the Battle of the Citadel, Commander Shepard wants nothing more than to take on the Reapers... but the Council has other plans... and it won't end well. SHENKO
1. Time Heals All Wounds

Commander Shepard stepped out of the physician's office, grateful at having finally received clearance to return to her work. God bless Alliance genetic enhancements. Otherwise the injuries would have taken much longer to heal. She had still needed a full clavicle bone weave and a couple days of physical therapy to return her shoulder back to full range of motion. Consequences from defeating an ancient sentient machine, known as a Reaper, intent on galaxy wide destruction. Damn ceiling falling all around her in the Council Chambers had done more damage that she would like to admit. Gingerly, she twisted her arm across her body to loosen the knots already forming from that last bout of exercises. Her charade had worked well enough, the doctor had immediately sent her status through to the Council as 'all clear'. If she had been truthful about the lingering pain it would have taken far too long to return to duty, and she knew there was no time to waste. Plus, she still wasn't able to distinguish her own pain versus aftershocks from the nightmares she experienced. They were so real. The pain was so real. That damaged Prothean Beacon had transfered it's message directly into her cerebrum. Unpleasant was not a strong enough adjective. Reliving death over and over again. Shepard shook her head clear of memories that threatened to take over.

She felt like sprinting back to her suite she had been staying in, just to work off some nervous energy she had already started accumulating. She doubted the two Citadel Security officers who acted as her 'bodyguards' could keep up with her. Before she could entertain those thoughts for long they had escorted her to their shuttle. They directed it towards Presidium Lake where her temporary shelter was up on the top floor, great view she had to admit. Though being under house arrest and forced to do nothing but stare out the window all day was not relaxing for the Lieutenant Commander. She began mentally reviewing all the belongings she had in the room, in order to gather and pack as quickly as possible when they arrived. She smiled at the idea of finally being able to leave. So...The medics had taken her armor and informed her, after threats of a meet and greet with her shotgun, that it was being cleaned and repaired in the Alliance armory. They had better be taking good care of it. She loved how that Onyx armor fit, she had just worn in all the kinetic padding to mold to her form perfectly. No way in hell was she going to worry about breaking in a new set now with what she was preparing to face. Let's see, that meant there was a few off duty uniforms, her HMWP pistol (the only weapon they had let her keep on her person, idiots) and of course her personal data pad; with all her holos and music files. She could throw all of it in a duffel and be out within the hour. Faster if the Rapid Transit wasn't so backed up at this time in the Citadel day. She giggled out loud at the thought of returning home. Her home…the Normandy SR1.

The C-Sec officers glanced nervously at the Commander and then silently communicated between themselves. Both Turians, they had been thrown off when Shepard had asked so many questions about their lives and careers. They both had worked with Officer Vakarian, of there fellow race, before he had joined her team; but they were still rookies when it came to understanding human quirks. Like the fact that Commander Shepard now appeared to be laughing to herself, even though neither of them had said anything to her to cause such a reaction. How had Officer Vakarian dealt with these outbursts?

Shepard continued giggling in excitement as she realized she hadn't seen the Normandy since she had disembarked on Ilos.

Ilos… No she can't let her thoughts go in that direction again. Those memories would not be very productive at all. Instead she had to focus on getting back to her mission and her crew. Her crew, who had followed her all over known and unknown Citadel Space, committed mutiny with her, had come after her when she left on her own magical-mako-mass-relay adventure, and had successfully taken down the ancient Reaper named Sovereign and saved the Council's ungrateful multi-racial behinds. She had not seen her crew, her family, since what seemed like in her view years ago, though in reality it had only been about a week. She hadn't seen her family or her home since defeating Saren, the rogue Spectre working with the Reapers. Maybe that's why it seemed so long ago, those events were from another time. A time where Saren and his Geth henchmen were threatening to annihilate all organic life, and fear of the rest of the Reapers had to be held at bay until their scout Sovereign was destroyed and their gateway to enter the Citadel closed. Those worries were subsided, a past life's worth gone. Her next life would no doubt have just a many, if not more causes for concern. She chuckled as she thought of how many lives she might have gone through in her 29 years. Hopefully not quite nine. She repressed the urge to meow out loud. The C-Sec Officers were already unsure how to react to her desire to, heaven forbid, _talk_. Making kitty cat noises would not help.

Shepard sighed out loud; missing her crew, missing Ka… NO, not going there…missing being useful, there we go, that's a good one.

Pulling up to the tower, she jumped out of the shuttle and literally skipped up the steps two at a time up to her suite. Reviewing the list once more; gun, uni's, datapad, oh shoot, underwear... will need that Shepard. She began running around the room piling all her belongings in her arms before throwing them in her bag. Hoisting over the non-injured right shoulder, she stood in front of the window. Scattered clean up crews could be seen hard at work after the mess that was Sovereign's death left. Scorch marks and gouges were all up and down the Citadel arms. Though too, families were out walking around, holding onto one another. The ever present light reflected almost naturally off the lake's surface. Sighing Commander Shepard knew what she had to fight to protect.


	2. A Scapegoat is as Welcome as a Solution

CHAPTER 2

Literally jumping back into the shuttle with all her gear; she pressed play and linked her comm unit to the data pad in one motion. Humming to the music that started, she reviewed her new messages on the pad.

"Punch it gentlemen. I want to get home as quickly as possible."

Getting back into the role of Commander Shepard was oddly comforting.

Once again the Turians glanced over as she started to sing along to the music, unaware how audible she was being. Mandibles flapping in the Turian equivalent of a human eye roll they directed the pilot towards the Citadel Tower. Not hearing the final destination, due to the current pop song blaring in her ear, she continued scanning through her SITREPs. She would never let her crew know about her poor taste in music, but heaven help her she liked a catchy tune with crappy lyrics.

The brief reports she had received regarding the Normandy's status had relieved her stress, but not her curiosity. It seemed her ship had come through relatively unscathed. Not all of the ships in the Alliance fleet had been so lucky. She once again checked through the list of names in her head…Shenyan, Emden, Jakarta, Cairo, Seoul, Cape Town, Warsaw, Madrid. She had told herself she would never forget those names. If she felt she could memorize the entire crew rosters from those vessels as well, she would have. She was not quick to forget the downed Turian cruisers either. She paused in her singing as her thoughts sobered at all the lives lost. She took those deaths personally, if only she could have done more. In her peripheral vision she noticed her bodyguards watching her. Aware of her function again as a Commander, shouldering all worries, and never letting her crew see her sweat; she smiled at them, forcing the serious feelings back down until she could be alone.

Glancing back down at the reports… Good, good, full complement already available to depart. Only a few members of her original crew had to be replaced due to injuries. Nothing life threatening, thankfully, just needed more time healing before returning to active duty. If she had been honest with her doctor she wouldn't be returning so soon either, but she would never let her crew get away with that. They deserved their rest. If she had her way, every single one of them would get a month of shore leave; and medals, shiny silver medals, she preferred silver. Gold for Joker. Only a handful of the rest, mostly her ground team, were currently being held on the Presidium still, for debriefing. She wasn't that clueless to the politics of the situation they were in. She knew it was more than questioning; possibly even, but hopefully not, finger-pointing. She hated being kept in the dark for so long, more so when it concerned her crew and her ship. The Council had forced her into what she considered house arrest. She understood the necessity for debriefing and gathering intel, especially keeping the details on a need to know basis. She didn't want any of their enemies using it against them either. She could think of a particular 'broker' who would love to get his hands on that information. But all these precautions felt more like they were trying to keep the entire battle hush, hush. Ridiculous, everyone living on the Citadel was affected, they had been attacked! How could you keep that under wraps? The Council was acting as if they were worried they would find Shepard spouting classified information next to the Hanar preacher on the Presidium.

"This one says the end of the world is coming. The Reapers will destroy us all. The Council refused to listen to this one about the danger."

Daydreams aside, Shepard was still annoyed at how she had been treated the past week. Only leaving the suite to visit the doctor's, no returning messages of any kind, no ditching the c-sec officers, comm calls off, no personal visits.

She was normally good with rules. Rules were usually there to keep people alive. But this particular set had been the bane of her existence. Made purposely to annoy and frustrate her.

When it came to her Lieutenant, rules always seemed to get in her way.

Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko had sent her messages, almost every day in fact. He hadn't been able to convey much. She could tell where Alliance officials had deleted pieces of text they deemed unsuited for her to see at the time. Of course he didn't mention anything regarding his feelings for her personally. He wouldn't be able to give any hints concerning their true relationship with all his messages being reviewed. She could read between the lines as Alenko often expressed his concern for her quick recovery and return to her rightful place as his superior officer. She knew her Lt. well enough to know what that meant. Heh, heh, 'serving under you', heh, heh. She sensed the frustration at not knowing how or where she was. As she felt the exact same way. Apparently the Council didn't feel like sharing that bit of information to just anyone. As frustrated as he was, Shepard knew Kaidan would never betray why he was not just anyone. He was... well she wasn't sure yet what he was to her... but they were close. As close as two could be without being joined at the hip. Joker would probably make a crack that they pretty much were, but if that were the case, Alenko would be next to her right now. If only.

She hoped for Kaidan's sake they had at least told the public she was alive and kicking. She was sure though that was asking too much from the politicians.

She speculated the Councilors were still trying to figure out their stance in all of this before any sort of public statement. After refusing the possibility of Benedict Saren for so long, and seeing how well they swallowed that bitter pill. Reapers are a bit pointier going down. They had probably needed a few extra drinks of water afterward to help it go down.

Then there were all the events leading to that victory to be considered. Rumors of court martial and demotions reached her even in her house arrest. As a Spectre she was allowed certain leniencies in her conduct. As an officer in the Alliance Navy, Kaidan was not. Nor was any member of her crew. Granted it was her ship, under her command, and she knew she would make that argument until she was blue in the face. That expression was funnier now knowing Dr T'Soni.

She reminded herself of the plan. She would swear up and down the rest of the crew had no idea of her true intentions. The charge of kidnapping flashed in her mind, along with Kaidan, who had put the idea there in the first place. Unknowingly he had given her the defense she would use for all of them. It seemed having a few days to review everything that had happened, revealed new solutions, after be bored out of her mind first of course. Relaxing didn't come easy to the Commander. One of the few times she had allowed herself to reflect on the night before Ilos… *SMILE*… Stop it… she had paused in the memorey.

"If they wanted to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping." Even when he was being serious, he oozed smexiness.

She had decided to take all the blame on herself. She had mutinied, she had stolen the prototype warship, and hey if they want to get technical, let them get technical. Because she HAD kidnapped every single member of her crew, dragged them along against their will, at gun point even. Alone. All by herself. She was going to take all the charges and consequences upon herself. If the Council was looking for a scapegoat... she would be the sacrificial lamb. She hoped Citadel prison wasn't as scary as it seemed in the vids.


	3. Timeout Corner of the Universe

Shepard held a vague interest in politics, only when it directly affected her. For the most part it annoyed the hell out of her. All sides playing for power they didn't deserve, while forgetting about what was right. When it came to military operations, politics tended to interfere, thinking they knew better instead of leaving the job to professionals. It was a necessary evil at times to convince all interests to cooperate for the greater good. One would assume this would be one of those situations. Apparently it was not.

All her suspicions regarding her crew and herself being played in their power game were being realized before her eyes. Someone had to take the fall for this. They made that clear. They could not allow such insubordination to stand unpunished, at least not in the public eye. But they were not even considering her. All initial comments she had made upon arrival to Citadel Tower were brushed off. All questions concerning crew were told to wait. Any attempts to take the blame were ignored. They weren't going to let her try. She clenched her fists to keep control of her biotic energy as the thought of any member of her crew being punished for saving the galaxy, pissed her off to no end. Stick to the plan, Shepard. Eyes front she looked to the four councilors before her. One good thing about the Council Chamber still being repaired, is that ordinary conference rooms didn't leave a 20 foot gap between you and your target. Actually, that might not be such a good thing.

"Commander Shepard, it is good to see you looking so alert." The Asari councilor started.

"Yes, yes. The Physician's evaluations look promising and we have concluded you are of the right frame of mind to now resume your work as a Spectre." The Salarian councilor was reviewing her medical file on a datapad, clearly pleased by the report the good doctor had written.

She silently congratulated herself on realizing early on that the doctor was evaluating not only her physical status so much as her mental. Obviously, the Council was not fully aware yet as to the mental fortitude of human. Stubborn and able to pull themselves through any situation, including near death experiences, was a trait Shepard hoped they learned soon about their newest members of the Council. When humanity wanted to accomplish something, they didn't let a little thing like an entire sentient ship falling on top of them keep them from finishing the task. The species always seemed able to do the impossible. The words heroic and selfless; were uttered by these same Councilors only days ago, used to describe the human race. As well as protectors, that was the part she was most proud of.

As the pleased with herself smile threatened to spread across her entire face Cap…er..Councilor Anderson turned his attention towards her. Uh oh. They had been discussing her file this whole time. Shit. She really needed to stop getting distracted at these meetings. They usually just droned on and on about the most pointless things. How could one possibly be expected to keep full attention when there were so many other things she could be doing right now? Preparing for war, being at the top of her list. Right under a couple personal tasks. Anderson was still waiting for her to respond. Uh oh… fake it Shepard.

"I am very anxious to continue on with my mission Councilors." She straightened her stance and looked each one of the members in the eye. Show strength...good.

"Very good Commander. We feel it is best you return immediately to the Normandy and set out to the Terminus Systems. The reports of the Geth massing in retaliation are growing." The Turian Councilor gave the orders.

"But sir, can you not entrust that to one of the other fleet ships. Even the Alliance I'm sure would be happy.." Shepard tried not to sound like a whining four year old, but seriously?

"No, Commander we feel it is best for you to continue this campaign. Finish what you started, as it were." The Salarian remarked.

"Sir, with all due respect, the Geth are not the real threat. I feel my time would best be used tracking the current position of the remaining Reapers. My knowledge from the Prothean beacon could still aid us in finding them in deep space. Any other frigate or even Spectre could hunt Geth. If there are even that many left, which I have my doubts there are, they would not be difficult to eradicate with Sovereign out of the picture." Shepard's tone became all the more clipped the further she got in her rant.

"Commander Shepard. I understand what you may be feeling about the threat of the Reapers to be imminent. But at the time we disagree we with you." The Turian almost sneered… can Turians sneer?

"Disagree with me! How?…" Unfortunately at that moment Commander Shepard felt like crying. After everything that had happened, that she had accomplished. All that time trying to convince them of the Reaper's existence. Was it hopeless? Had she made a mistake saving the Council? Why should she keep fighting if they literally had a Reaper up their ass and couldn't accept the truth? She felt very tired suddenly. As if she had been using her biotics for hours on end, completely drained, nothing left in her. Angry tears, burned in the corner of her eye threatening to spill out. She could not cry in front of the Council. Of all the human female stereotypes, she was not going to cry. She could feel her face burning bright red already from the confrontation.

Councilor Anderson placed his hand on her left shoulder, she flinched a bit since it was still sore after therapy, he seemed not to notice and continued by speaking towards his councilors, but at her, "Shepard. We understand what the Reapers mean for us. We have decided to send some of our best Spectres on reconnaissance. They will be reporting to us and when we have a solid lead we will be relaying that information to you. Considering the Geth were the last to be in contact with Sovereign, we feel them to be the best option for finding more information at the moment. We were hoping you would be able to access the data as to the Reapers whereabouts. We have requested Tali Vas'Neema extend her pilgrimage to aid you in this task, considering how she was so capable finding the evidence against Saren through the Geth."

The logic associated with what he was explaining to her gradually seeped in. She had to focus on that instead of her emotions, which were running rather high at the moment. It was so hard, with so many things up against her. Why was nobody listening to her? She knew she was being played. She knew it from when she walked in. The look on the Turian's face was proof enough. The question was why.

Did they really not believe her about the rest of the Reapers? Was Anderson trying to placate her by making it sound like her task was more important than out hunting in deep space? She could tell from how he spoke to her and the Councilors he was trying to mention the Reapers in association with the Geth whenever possible. Unlike the others. But he was a newbie. Surely they wouldn't just accept what he said as law. It would take more time, more proof. They probably had only agreed to send additional Spectres to search, to verify her story, and probably only after Councilor Anderson demanded it. But they couldn't send her. They needed more witnesses. Did they think she would just make all this up? Really? Who could come up with this stuff? Only a seriously overactive imagination. Well, she had been told… No. She was not that crazy. She did not imagine the threat of galatic annihilation. Consigning herself to the hands of polititicians was not what she had in mind. Then again, what other plan did she have? Just ride off into the sunset and hope one of her debilitating visions triggered; that just so happened to show the exact location of the Reapers. Wouldn't that be awesome? X marks the spot.

* * *

Author's Note: This is Shepard's story between what we see end of ME1 and begininning scene ME2. We all know how it ends, but I promise to do my best to keep you interested. And I promise to all the KAST/KAAS ladies it is SHENKO centered, eventually. Thanks for your reviews! Please continue to enjoy.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: Bioware owns all ME related characters, story... blah blah blah.


	4. Big Brass Band

"I will need my ground team returned to the Normandy ASAP, Councilor." Shepard tried not to sound demanding to her former Captain, but she had grown inpatient after hours of being in front of the entire Council.

"Your request will be taken into account by Alliance Officials, Commander. They have not finished their investigation into certain matters as of yet and require the presence of several of your team members." She couldn't tell if he was trying not to smile when he said 'certain matters' but the humor wasn't striking her.

"Sir, I understand Alliance Internal Affairs needs to fill out their numerous reports but I need to go save the galaxy." Sarcasm was begging to seep into her tone.

"Now Commander, don't get all dramatic on me. You know I know you better than that. As much as I hate to say it, we need to dot the I's and cross the T's on this. We can't give any of the other Council species reason to question this addition of a council member. You know there are already those who feel we've bullied our way in and that our species is too rash to be taken seriously. If this situation is swept under the rug, that could confirm their fears and start others. I know you feel the same as I do. You don't want just anyone going down in flames for this. I've been trying my hardest, but considering I was not an active member of your crew, my pull as a former Captain isn't having quite the effect I would have liked." They continued walking towards the Alliance complex. The conversation wasn't heading in the direction she needed it to… get what she needed, or who she needed in this case.

Clenching her jaw she paused in stride, "Councilor, what can I do? I tried to convince the rest of the Council to take disciplinary actions against myself and release my crew from any responsibility, but they wouldn't hear of it."

"They have deferred this incident to Alliance hands now. The Council concluded you were acting under your Spectre obligations and are therefore immune to discipline. Alliance cannot touch you, technically being above them. But they are being looked to by all sides to do something about this situation. So now they intend to take hide where they can." Anderson sounded very saddened speaking of her crew being flogged so to speak.

"I knew it." She hissed.

The doors slid open revealing a Private snapping to attention on either side of a secretarial station.

"At ease, gentlemen." Councilor Anderson took pity on them first. "The Admiral is expecting us." He directed his comment towards the security and the Corporal behind the desk. The Corporal checked her screen and murmured orders to the Servicemen.

"Of course Sir... uh… and Ma'm. Allow me to escort you." The Private who spoke began walking down the hall.

Catching the wide eyes of the second Serviceman who began taking up the rear, Commander Shepard nodded and followed Anderson's form. Stepping through a weapons detector, that immediately began flashing when she passed; no one stopped her from proceeding. Her mind raced with the implications of an Admiral being present. Noticing the nervousness of the Serviceman behind her she decided to use it to her advantage.

"Private.." she began.

"Johnson. Ma'm."

"Johnson. How long have you been stationed at Alliance HQ?"

"About six Earth months Ma'm."

"Are you from Earth Private?" she continued.

"No, Ma'm. I grew up on Arcturus Station Ma'm. That's how I knew Admiral Hackett arrived, even though they have kept it all very classified. My father is on his staff. He warned me to make a good impression and not mess it up." He started to speak faster as he grew more nervous at the idea of messing up in front of the Admiral.

"Private Johnson. You have already given a good impression. You can tell your father the first human Spectre said so. You're a good soldier, and I'm always right, Private." She smiled the smile she reserved for FNGs. She was one to always try the uplifting method before the reality of being a soldier dragged them back down. Plus, this one had a face that reminded of her of Corporal Jenkins. It held so much hope and fear all at once.

The Private grinned silently back at her and quickly became lost in his thoughts of grandeur.

"When did Admiral Hackett become involved?" she questioned Anderson quietly.

"Considering the Normandy was initially assigned to the Fifth Fleet, Alliance decided he would be the best officer to question her crew. He arrived from Arcturus Station a few days ago. I only heard of this today. I wasn't sure what to make of it." His eyes almost twinkled when he said this. Before she could ask why, Private Tour Guide had stopped. Anderson stepped through and saluted. As a member of Citadel Council it was more out of habit than anything, but Shepard suspected it might have also been out of respect.

"Commander Shepard, it is good to finally meet you in person." That same gravely voice which had addressed her many times while she stood at the Normandy's CIC, now spoke from behind a desk.

"Admiral Hackett, Sir." Snapping off her own salute, she then stepped automatically into parade rest.

"I was just filling Shepard in on the purpose of your visit to the Citadel, Steven." Anderson addressed the Admiral. In return he received a rather serious look. Which Shepard suspected communicated far more between the two gentlemen than she was privy to.

"Admiral, I would like the opportunity to explain my actions to the Alliance and therefore clear my crew of any responsibility…" She began in her professional tone.

"Commander, there is no need for that. Ever since arriving I have conducted interviews, poured through pysch evaluations, battle reports, and filled out loads of needless paperwork. I am tired. I am going home. I have officially come to the conclusion your crew was only following your questionable leadership. They accompanied their commanding officer, a Spectre, per orders. The Alliance is very pleased with the example of military discipline the crew of the Normandy has shown in following their borderline psychotic CO to certain death. While the Alliance certainly encourages free thinking, we do not condone mutiny, and so recognize the crew's willingness to follow you even if you were breaking multiple laws. All charges have been dropped against her officers and remaining crew members." Hackett's eye had an eerily similar twinkle in it, as Anderson's had moments before.

She held back the urge to stammer. Instead she focused on what she had wanted to say earlier. The speech she had prepared for days. The Council wouldn't let her deliver it. And now this. But she loved to give speeches! She would just have to let this one go. The Admiral had addressed almost all her concerns.

"Her officers sir? What about her Commanding Officer?" She drew herself up as she asked.

"Charges are being drawn up against the Lieutenant Commander. Including theft and property damage, certain officials are calling for kidnapping as well. But I have a feeling her Spectre status will negate any charges we present. If not her fancy Council Lawyers will talk their way out of any attempts by the Alliance to charge one of their former officers. Not that we could blame the Alliance, could we Commander? They are merely following protocol after all. Bloody protocol, which has taken me away from my brand new granddaughter for three days." Now he couldn't help but hold back the smile. He tossed a datapad down on the desk, with his no doubt completed IA report.

"Thank you, Sir." She almost sighed in relief, but remembered to save it for in private.

"Commander, I will be in contact. I trust you will be as accommodating as you have been in the past." He tilted his head as he hinted.

"Of course, Admiral."

"Good, good. Oh, and Commander. Take good care of your boat. I won't be giving you another one so easily." And with that he left the room.

Did he just wink? Did the Admiral of the Fifth Fleet wink?


	5. Throw the Book at Them

"Well, that went better than I expected." Commander Shepard turned towards Councilor Anderson.

"And faster." He added.

"So all charges have been dropped against my crew?" She asked.

Picking up the datapad with the Admiral's report and looking it over Anderson replied, "It appears so Shepard. The Admiral is very clever in how he's worded his findings. It makes the crew out to be ordinary military that were merely following their Spectre Commander. All of their testimonies corroborate the same story. They were following your lead. None saw fit or reason to go against your orders. Since most of the public is aware of a Spectre being under the radar, they can't expect the Alliance to press further charges. Amusing how the rest of the Council tried to throw this in the Alliance's lap, but Admiral Hackett somehow succeeded in shrugging it off. The Council will have to accept this decision. The only downside is it may cause further distrust of the Spectre's in general. Considering this makes it look like you were completely responsible for your crew's actions and deliberately chose to disobey Alliance commands. That might just have to be the one setback we accept."

Nodding silently, Shepard thought over the implications of this report going public. Everything she had wished for had come true. None of her crew would be disciplined and she was being held responsible. She didn't care if she was made out to be the bad guy. If anyone wanted to turn saving the Council's lives and the Citadel from certain destruction into a bad thing; she would have a few choice words in response. Any naysayers she could confront directly. She did regret the effect on other Spectres. She remembered clearly the prejudice held against the task force. Even before she was declared a member herself, many voiced their disapproval at one person having so much power. This would only further prove Spectre's lawlessness. But their job was to protect the galaxy at any cost. If that cost was stealing prototype warships and forcing their crew to aid them in hunting down a gigantic cockroach android ship… then at least she was willing to pay the bill. She hoped the other Spectre's were more noble that Saren and would see this incident in the same light. She really had never intended for all of this. She normally respected rules. They kept people alive. But she had come to the knowledge that sometimes people died through inaction. She would not allow herself to stand idly by. Even if she had to suffer the backlash.

"I couldn't be more pleased with the outcome Councilor." She smiled at Anderson.

"Good. I'm glad you see it that way. Not alot of people would be able to give so much of themselves. Now let's see where your crew members were staying." He scrolled down through the Admiral's report and paused. "Now that's odd."

"What is it?"

"It says that they were released from Alliance HQ after their interviews concluded yesterday. But that Citadel Security requested their presence for questioning."

"C-sec? Why would they need to question the ground team?" Her brow furrowed as she questioned him.

"I can only make an educated guess. I was aware they were investigating the future safety of the Citadel and the threat the Mass Relay Monument holds. But I had not been informed of your crew's transfer into their custody." He seemed troubled at his lack of being in the know.

"We have to get to C-Sec headquarters." She ordered her former Captain.

"I would agree, but I think we need to make one stop first."

Both rushed out of the offices, their armed escort had abandoned them to accompany Admiral Hackett, no doubt. Shepard hoped Johnson really did make a good impression on the Admiral. They found their way back to the entrance and explained the situation to the Corporal at the desk. She quickly summoned a Rapid Transit for the both of them.

They walked swiftly up to the Embassy Secretary. The Asari quickly recognized both Councilor Anderson and Commander Shepard.

"How may I help you Councilor?" she questioned.

The Councilor explained the situation and she allowed them passage through the offices.

As the door opened the Turian spoke, "Commander Shepard. I would have thought you would have come sooner."

"Executor Pallin what is the meaning of all this?" demanded Anderson.

"If by this, you are speaking of our investigation, you know I cannot talk about it with the Commander present; considering her involvement in the matter." He motioned towards Shepard.

What was it with her and Turian authorities lately? What could she have done to piss of the entire race so thoroughly?

"What involvement exactly are you referring to Executor?" She narrowed her eyes as she asked.

If possible he narrowed his further, "I am referring to your destruction of the Presidium, Citadel Tower, and last but not least the Council Chamber. I also refer to your leading Geth onto the station, and exposing our Councilors to advanced Geth weaponry. There are also the parts about stealing an Alliance vessel from our docking bay and assaulting an Ambassador in our Embassy."

Shepard was pretty sure he could stretch the truth into a few more accusations but her temper was quickly rising. Practicing her breathing exercises she calmed the biotic energy threatening to bubble over.

"Executor if you truly are investigating these matters as you say, and I'm not calling you a liar by any means, then you are questioning the wrong people. You are only investigating myself and therefore should only be questioning me."

His mandibles flared slightly, "What makes you say that Commander?"

"If you had read both the Council's and the Alliance's official stories, you would realize that my crew has been declared free of any responsibility or choice in the situation. I am the one facing charges. All the charges. Me. Myself. And I."

"And we all know how that will pan out don't we Commander. As if the Council's beloved Spectre will ever face an accounting for their crimes. They prefer to discipline in house, do they not?" The Turian was not pleased.

"Then you agree that this is in the hands of the Council now and they will decide how to proceed." Anderson piped in, sensing an opportunity for intervention.

Knowing he was being backed into a corner with no where to escape the Turian was growing agitated, "The Council has seen fit for me to investigate the safety of the Citadel and hence their own. I see Commander Shepard as a possible threat and have included her actions into my inquiry."

"As a threat? How could you...?" Shepard was thrown.

"Spectre or not you still have to account for terrorist actions. Innocent lives were lost during the attack Commander. I have reasons to believe you may have had something to do with the Geth being led here to the station. You withheld information regarding the relay on the Presidium and the threat to the Citadel." He was gearing up to list the many ways she had broken the law and hence gotten on his bad side, but was stopped.

"As a member of the Council I demand you adhere to the restrictions you and the Spectre's are given. Any actions of the Commander's will be judged by me and the others only, not you Executor." David Anderson was using any and all authority he had in his voice.

Executor Pallin visibly twitched before settling, "I see my hands are tied once again. If the Council does not wish for me to fulfill my duty I will complete my investigation immediately, limited as I am, I'm sure no conclusion will be official."

"Thank you for your dedication Executor Pallin. I will be sure to mention this to the remaining Council members." Anderson hid the threat behind the words well. He was getting good at this whole politician thing. Shepard, on the other hand, didn't have it in her; throughout this whole charade of manners she clenched her hands.

"Now that that is settled. About the Normandy's ground team?" the Councilor questioned.

"I will have them released this afternoon." The Executor obviously could have this done sooner.

"Released?" Anderson asked.

"Yes, I have been holding them in custody for aiding and abetting a criminal." The Turian enjoyed using the word criminal to describe her a little too much.

Councilor Anderson cleared his throat before she could work herself up over that, "Well, obviously that has all been explained now. I trust they will be released immediately with a full pardon."

"I will inform my officers of the misunderstanding and instruct them to cease their questioning at once." Pallin responded.

Shepard hoped his biasness in the matter had not caused the usually by-the-book Executor to allow his men to take liberties with 'questioning' her crew members.


	6. The Pit of Despair

Gritting her teeth, blue waves flickering all over her arms, she asked again, "Where are they?"

Sitting in traffic on the shuttle had not helped her temper any. The whole ride over she had proceeded to worry about the mental and physical condition of the special forces team. And let's be honest with ourselves, she had started growing very anxious about reuniting with Liuetenant Alenko.

What was that old saying? 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.' Apparently it _was_ possible to grow fonder for the Sentinel. Part of her had hoped that being away from his charms, maybe reality would check itself into her psyche. Nope. She missed him more every day. If she thought she could fool herself into thinking it was all just battlefield flirting, she didn't understand her own heart very well. She had only realized more how much she had grown to depend on him. He was her sounding board when her emotions threatened to run away from her. His logic always calming and steady as the situation around her spun out of control. His unfailing support in her rash decisions secretly reassured her she was doing the right thing. If someone like a career man as was Alenko, agreed with her breaking the rules, then it to be for good reasons. He would never have allowed her to break rules, or he wouldn't have followed her, if he didn't believe in her. No one else believed in her unconditionallly like that. No one understood her as much as he did. The long conversations they had shared regarding their mission were precious to her. The neverending hours reviewing data over a cup of hot chocolate, she hated the taste of coffee, in the mess played before her liking a cheesy video montage. Set to music and everything.

She didn't just miss the officer due to his tactical appraisal and advice. She missed his eyes, warm and calculating all at the same time. She missed his arms strong enough to protect her from rifle fire and hold her gently when she was upset after a nightmare. She missed the sound of his voice as he said her name. She missed the smell she associated with him, his own scent, like an electric-sweaty-masculine musk. She missed his ass. Damn fine piece of meat that was. Very helpful distraction during long elevator rides.

Getting her hands back on that asset was mission top priority.

And this unfortunate Citadel Security officer was in her way.

He stared at the glowing Commander as he spoke, "I have not received the release orders from Executor Pallin that you mentioned. Until the notice appears in the system the outer doors are locked down to prevent any tampering. They would not be able to leave the lower levels."

"There is no way to override the system?" Councilor Anderson asked.

"No Sir. This eliminates any attempts at C-Sec officers who are corrupt or have been bribed from releasing prisoners." He continued looking warily at Shepard as he answered the Councilor.

Was C-Sec really so tainted as to merit so many precautions?

"Officer I am a member of the Citadel Council, if you were to open those locks for us, no one would ever question your ethic." Anderson looked more annoyed than angry.

"I am sorry, but there is no way to hack open the doors."

Shepard could think of one talented individual who could get them open. It showed something that he would still allow himself to be held. If he felt an injustice was being committed he would have broken them all out within two minutes.

This thought process calmed the dark energy flowing through her and she concentrated on allowing it to ebb into the room harmlessly.

The C-Sec officer was lucky Lieutenant Alenko had taught her a thing or two about control.

"I am sure the Executor is just finishing up the orders as we speak. How about you lead us to the Commander's team while we wait? Then she can see that you are doing all you can." Anderson was obviously trying to diffuse the situation, unaware of her previous decision to calm herself. She laughed as she realized he hadn't worked with her since she had spent so much time with Kaidan. Anderson would've noticed how he had changed her into a better person, thinking things through before she acted a bit more. She wouldn't point this out now, mind you, but it was still amusing to see how much he had changed her life.

She needed to see him… now.

"Yes, if you please Officer. Escort us to their quarters."

"Right away, Commander. They were being held for questioning in our detention facility. Though I assure you they were quite comfortable. They were even allowed their Omni-tools to send and receive messages. This is not standard procedure you know." He began talking quickly to reassure the Commander as he led them down the hallway.

That's probably so they could monitor communications. No wonder Kaidan was so ambiguous in his messages to her. Now she realized why he had sounded so concerned about her returning. He wasn't sure if she would be able to. It wasn't just the Alliance reading through his mail while he was here. Being as clever as he was the attempt to blacklist his CO was no doubt obvious during questioning.

They descended in the elevator to the lower levels of Citadel Security Academy. Stepping through, their guide passed through an ID check with a scrolling light over his body.

"Officer Thomas entering Detention Level Charlie." The VI pinged their arrival through the corridors. Another security measure. Good thing Shepard never had any plans to break into C-Sec. On the other hand if Executor Pallin had denied her request, she might have had to resort to jailbreak.

He continued until stopping at a door entered a complicated code into the keypad. Shepard could see a faint glow which informed her that not only a code but a fingerprint scan was part of the defense for the door.

With a swish they all stepped into what could be considered a plush apartment. Nice holding cell. A guess would peg these as for the non-dangerous or even political prisoners C-Sec would like to detain for some reason or another. She quickly took in the large living space, what appeared to be a few separate bedrooms with doors closed, and a good sized kitchen, fully stocked; but from the looks of the various takeout containers on the counter, no one had done any cooking.

Oh, man, they got Thai food without her! She had been stuck with what her C-Sec officers had felt like eating, and being Turians the selection for her had been less than edible. She had only supplemented her hunger with energy drinks and protein bars from convenience shops. Convenience shops! Not exactly fine dining.

Upon the sound of the door opening movement was immediatey heard from behind the bedroom doors. One opened wide as Garrus Vakarian stepped out. He looked rather ruffled and went to rub his eyes with his talons.

Had he been napping? This whole time she had worked herself up into walking in on her crew being interrogated and beaten within an inch of their lives. Granted wasn't likely to happen on the Citadel, but they had to be in trouble at least right? Not napping comfortably, eating Thai food! Without her!

"Commander!" The sound of metal on metal in his voice accompanied Garrus' exclamation.

"Good to see you Garrus… and…" She couldn't help herself from smiling at him and then turned toward the next door as Liara and Tali rushed out. Wrex peered out from behind Garrus. Almost everyoned accounted for. They all looked cheery and well rested. Apparently they at least had to had shared rooms. That made her feel a little better, thinking of her comfy suite she had had all to herself. If you count C-Sec officers lounging on your couch watch old cop vids as all to yourself. Still she had slept alone. Though she would have much preferred to share with a certain handsome Lieutenant.

They all jabbered greetings and questions at her until…

"Commander Shepard. How is that shoulder?" Sneaked up behind her.

Speak of the devil.


	7. Reunited and It Feels So Good

She spun on her heel in true military fashion to face the man who had patched her up in battle more times than she cared to remember.

She rotated her left shoulder slowly and answered him, "It is healing well Lieutenant, thank you. I see everyone here seems to be in good health. That must be thanks to you." She darted her eyes around to the remaining team members but quickly stared back into his amber eyes. He looked better than she remembered. Was it possible to grow more handsome with time?

His dark hair looked fairly mussed, as if he had been running his hands through it constantly. As he was apt to do when concentrating, or stressed. Whenever she had watched him run diagnostics on the Normandy he would unknowingly stream his fingers through his locks, and she always daydreamed about the day when her digits could be tickling his scalp. The funniest was when he was making repairs on the Mako with Garrus after a particularly robust roll down a cliff. He had gotten grease everywhere, with his hands in his hair from concentration, and on the back of his neck from rubbing it with embarrassment when she came to tease the techies about pimping her ride. The way his hair stood straight out the sides from the oil make her giggle outloud. The blush that came after looked great under all that blackness. It was always adorable the way he blushed when he wasn't sure how to read her. Later he came to understand her better than anyone, that only seemed to worry him more. Always worried about crossing the line that one was. She held in her heart the fear that maybe he regretted crossing it not that long ago. He was one to analyze the situation again and again, not all that different from her but she wouldn't have taken those few hours back for the galaxy. Hopefully his regrets weren't the reason why he was stressed.

"Yes, all injuries have been looked after and tended. Rest and nourishment were required but all are now ship-shape and ready for duty Commander." The head of the marine detail answered as she knew he would. A true soldier til the end.

"Good. I suggest you all pack your gear. We're heading out, now." She addressed each one by turning her head.

Scampering back into their rooms', that left only Shepard and Kaidan standing in the hall. She desperately wanted to run into his arms. To have him hold her while she cried out how she had missed him terribly. To tell how much she realized she needed him more than anything. To have him return the sentiment, if not finish that sentence that they had yet to tell each other… I lo…appreciate you.

Instead recognizing Councilor Anderson and the C-Sec officer a few feet away in the living space, not to mention her ground team returning any second, she maintained the charade. The lie that was pretending nothing had ever changed between the two of them. That it was just a Commander and her subordinate standing alone in the hallway. Nothing more. No awkward reunion between two people who had shared everything, but now couldn't share their joy.

He spoke first, "It's good to see you again Commander. I am glad that you were not held up too much longer. I'm sure you have been busy with debriefings. I hope you received my reports and that they were to your satisfaction." He stared into her soul as only he could do, hoping to convey so much more through so few words.

"You know they couldn't keep me away for too long Lieutenant. Certain issues had to be addressed before we could set out, but everything has been taken care of. Our assignment has been given. I appreciate your having the team at ready. I am afraid we leave immediately. Shore leave will have to wait for another time." She hoped he gathered the hint in her words. They had both anxiously awaited the time they could be together without reservations and get to know one another better without a court martial threatening them. That hope of something more, something real, had kept her breathless in anticipation. She still wanted that with him. Not knowing if he still did to.

"Yes, Ma'am. Thank you, Ma'am. Whatever we need to do. Although, I am rather disappointed about that myself. If you don't mind my saying so. I had some things planned for leave. It can wait though, there will always be later. I suppose we have a mission to finish first, don't we?" His eyes smiled back at her even when the rest of his face was serious.

"That we do. There is still much to be accomplished before we can rest easy. We both know the seriousness of the threat. And truth be told I would be remiss without your continued leadership for this mission." Please tell me you still want to come with me. Please don't tell me you have requested a transfer because you feel things are weird now.

"Of course Commander, glad to be of service any way I can. I shall go gather my things." He snapped a quick salute and allowed himself a real smile before turning and walking towards his room.

Her head tilted ever so slightly as she watched her trophy flex with every step.

Her observations were interrupted by, "He missed you, you know?" Tali appeared to be smirking behind her faceplate. At least Shepard could read the inflections in her voice and body language enough to know she was smirking.

Unable to find a proper response; denial, no that was too obvious, excitement, no can't show that here, confusion, who was she kidding. Her ground squad was no doubt aware of the tension between their two leaders.

Tali saved her by saying, "He kept asking all of us almost every hour, if anyone had heard from the Commander. Any and all of the officers who visited us, he asked about your whereabouts and your condition. He was visibly agitated when we were all questioned about your sanity, your leadership, and decisions on the mission. Oh, don't worry, he hid it very well. I really don't think anyone else picked up on it, but you don't live your entire life behind a helmet without being able to read someone's minute expressions." She simply stood there but if Shepard could guess, she was smiling.

The Commander then threw her arms around her Quarian friend. Holding her in an embrace she whispered, "I'm glad you are all alright Tali. And thank you."

Releasing her she raised her voice, "Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, I have been informed you will continue to accompany us and help us further locate the Reaper fleet. I am grateful for you for delaying your return home."

Tali answered back, "Say nothing of it Commander. Whatever aid I can give."

Liara followed after her but not before telling Shepard, "I am coming with as well Commander. You will need my expertise to continue analyzing your visions and any further Prothean technology to track the Reapers."

Shepard called after her retreating form, "Glad to have you Dr. T'Soni."

Garrus and Wrex came out lugging their bags and merely nodded in her direction. As if the fact they were coming with her too needed to be acknowledged by nothing more.

Finally Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko strolled up to her, carrying his duffel.

"It is good to be following you again Commander."

"I do always prefer having you at the rear Lieutenant." She turned her face so she could wink without anyone else being in view.

He chuckled lightly as the blush crept up his cheeks. He joined the others in the living space.

"Well Shepard, this fine officer just informed me he has finally received his orders. Shall we take our leave then?" Councilor Anderson motioned towards the C-Sec officer whose Omni-tool was casting an orange glow around him as he finished the necessary paperwork.

"I would like nothing more." The whole entourage worked it's way to the elevators and opening without alarm, they all boarded to return to the upper levels.

She smiled as she placed herself strategically to enjoy the view on the long ride up. Life was good again.


	8. Luck Be a Lady

"Shepard, a word in private." Councilor Anderson spoke up as they approached the Normandy looking freshly washed in the Citadel shipyard, where it had undergone repairs.

She nodded towards Kaidan instructing him to lead the rest of the squad on board and get settled. His eyes conveyed a seriousness, almost a warning before entering the airlock. Uh oh. What could that be about?

"I'm sorry to delay you further, Shepard. I know you are very anxious to be aboard, especially after all this nonsense, running around the Presidium when you had a mission to get to. I just felt I should warn you. I know things haven't turned out quite as you would have them. In some ways they have. We got very lucky with C-Sec and the Alliance in regards to your crew. I feel I don't have to warn you this will not be the end of this. Your actions are being watched by more than those who have spoken out against you. I understand your frustrations with not being able to personally seek out the Reapers, but just give the Council time to formulate a strategy. I promise, you will be at the forefront of that battle plan. Especially with your continued cooperation and valued efforts at eliminating the Geth threat. It's just that right now the public needs to feel safe. If we were touting imminent extinction from another machine race, there would be chaos. We need to feel this out slowly. Your mission will be vital to aiding that sense of security."

"You mean a false sense of security. Anderson I don't think the majority are that prone to rioting in the streets when doomsday is upon them. Give them a little credit. Don't you think people deserve to know? Then that they can prepare for what is coming?" Shepard pursed her lips after questioning him about his sudden desire to keep knowledge away from the public.

"You know I do. And ordinary individuals would be able to. But as a whole, populations are easily swayed by those with an agenda. There are those out there who could use this information to depose our society. We would lose all support we have; financially, militarily, emotionally. We cannot afford that. Not now. It's not about power or popularity. It's about being able to bring all Citadel species together against the Reapers. We have to play the game. Prepare the people a little at a time. And only after their trust in the Council has been rebuilt. They need to go about their everyday lives and remember what's it's like not to be scared." Anderson was very serious throughout, though Shepard was well aware of his sadness. It almost made her feel better knowing the game he was playing with all their lives was putting so much stress on him personally. Maybe part of it was because he couldn't ever go back to his everyday life. She had unknowingly thrown him right in the middle of all of it. The fear would never be able to leave him, he was one of the few who knew what was truly coming. And he was one of the only ones who she could sense would not let the threat be swept under the rug. Because he believed her. Even before no one else had. In the med-bay after coming to, she hesitated mentioning the visions to her CO. He never questioned if that beacon had caused more serious damage in the way of hallucinations. He took her concerns seriously and made her case, his. He stepped aside to give her the Normandy. He entrusted her with knowing his relationship with Saren and his Spectre candidacy. Now she had to trust him. Truthfully she felt very grateful to have him on her side. Now having him as a Council member, he would still watch her back. Still look out for her interests. She felt a slight twinge of guilt at placing him amidst all this political nonsense. It wasn't what he had wanted for himself. Who was she to then judge how he worked the system. Better him holding the cards than someone who was not aware of the true danger in their future. Anderson was not the type to bury his head in the sand.

"I understand Sir. I may not like it. But I trust your judgment. I will be sending you my reports as I find information. Hopefully we can find out more about the Reapers themselves. Their numbers, their weaknesses, their locations, their origins, anything that we can prove to the public of our preparations. Maybe that is what the Council needs before they feel they can explain." She needed more proof. Wasn't that the verdict all along? Maybe the Council believed her now, but how could she expect the entire Galaxy to go along with her word. She secretly prayed the efforts for recovering Sovereign would help her reputation when she brought forth more evidence. She didn't doubt she could find more. How many hundred of years had it been since the Protheans and the Reapers had last lived in this space? How many thousands of scientists, professors, and experts had been studying artifacts and data discs without discovering the Reapers? Liara alone had spent 50 years and had only touched on the theory of the cycle repeating itself. And her, little Commander Shepard, had somehow unlocked it all within a short period of time. Granted she was motivated by a traitorous Spectre whom she thought was out for world domination. Still, she had the keys. The knowledge she needed to find more answers. All the pieces placed before her in the form of a warning waiting to be arranged. And only she could do it.

Why her? She had asked herself that many times. Especially during long sleepless nights as the Prothean's message attempted to make itself decipherable in her subconscious. Was she just that brand of lucky to have the beacon sear itself onto her mind and her's alone? What were the odds a 50,000 year old, damaged beacon would activate and transmit it's decayed information into her human mind, when it was built for another species? She needed to gamble more often. No one else had been so lucky. No one else could now... could they? Would she want that? Want it be someone else? Wish it hadn't been in her in the first place? That she had just left it alone in the first place. Well, now technically, she had left it alone. Would she have rather it had been Kaidan?

She actually had allowed herself to ponder on this question on one occasion, only once. Kaidan had come down with a migraine. A particularly painful one, which required him staying in med-bay. She came to check on him and ended up sitting next to his bed almost the entire night as he slept. She reflected on how after the beacon exploded she awoke to find Kaidan's anxious face staring down at her. Unknowingly, she wanted to do the same for him. Make him feel cared for. His guilt during that vigilance had been obvious after the fact. Her reassurance that there was no way he could have known did wonders to the wrinkles on his brow. Even then as she watched him try to sleep off the pain medication his brow was furrowed, and misted with his own sweat. Seeing him in pain was horrible. She wanted to do something to help him but resorted herself to just holding his hand and absentmindedly stroked her thumb along it as she thought. She would never want to cause him more pain. Kaidan Alenko had had enough pain and misfortune in his life. Shepard did not to want consider what might have happened if she hadn't pushed him out of the beacon's path. Not to mention his already slightly unstable L2 implant and the consequences that were implied. Her L3 was at least less prone to side effects. And the mistrust that often accompanied them. Would the Captain have responded with the same amount of trust if his potentially pyschotic Lieutenant described visions? Who's to say? Ultimately she felt, no she believed, that things had happened for a reason. It wasn't Kaidan's responsibility to shoulder. For some reason it was hers, whether because she was destined to become Commander of the Normandy or the first Human Spectre, she had been chosen by that unseen force to be given the gift of sight.

Those visions would be what saved them all. Shown the true threat behind Saren. The only warning to what was on the horizon. She couldn't disappoint them now. Not any of them. Not the Council. Not Executor Pallin. Not Anderson. Not Kaidan. She couldn't fail. She had to find the further proof they all needed to then do their jobs. The information that would be required to win this war.

"I will get this done for you, Sir."

Anderson saw the determination in her face. He was glad that out of all the candidates that had been considered for Spectre, that Shepard had succeeded. He knew she was the only one with the personality profile to give up everything, for the good of others. She would part with her happiness, with her freedoms, and if necessary with her life; if she felt it was necessary. There weren't many built like Commander Shepard. They were lucky to have her. He was lucky to have worked with her. She was lucky to not be in jail right now. He was lucky to have been placed in the position he was. They were all lucky to be alive. They were all extremely lucky the Protheans had succeeded in warning the coming generations, that now there could be no suprise attack. The Council was lucky Shepard had saved them. It felt lucky that Sovereign had been able to be destroyed after losing so many ships. It would not be luck if they survived the Reaper attack. It would be preparation. He had a job to do, to remind certain individuals of this. He wished Commander Shepard good luck and then walked away, but not before looking over the Normandy longingly. She was supposed to have been his. At least she was in goods hands, Shepard would never abandon her. But he still had this odd sensation... like he would never see her again.

Shepard entered the airlock.

"Decontamination in process. Logged Commander shepard is aboard. XO Pressley stands relieved."


	9. Standing in One's Grave

The hiss of the automatic doors.

The chatter of the crew.

The hum of the mass effect field around the Tantulus drive.

The subtle beeping of instrument panels.

The clanking of footsteps.

The smell of recycled air.

It was good to be home.

Also a welcome sight was the scruffy face grinning at her beneath a SR-1 Normandy baseball cap.

"Commander on deck." He drew himself up in a salute.

"At ease Flight Lieutenant Moreau." She gave her awkward I'm-trying-to-hold-it-in smile.

"Good thing. Too much of that puts a strain on the appendages I actually use daily. For piloting of course, ma'am." Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau cracked his first dirty joke of the flight. Where was the champagne to celebrate?

"Joker, Give me a status report. Is the Normandy ready to depart? I would like to actually leave this dock one day soon." Shepard slipped back into command form, and damn did it feel good.

"Not a problem, Commander. All necessary repairs are complete. VI interface reports all major systems are operational. I even had her waxed." Why was it so hard to keep a straight face around this man?

"I hope you didn't worry while you were vacationing. We had everything under control by our lonesome. The whole leading the charge gig works for me. In fact, I look forward to more of a challenge in the future. My baby barely had a dent in the bumper. Better than can be said about you." He dead panned as she subconsciously rolled her shoulder, yet again.

Pausing halfway up in her rotation she glared at the pilot knowing he caught her then smiled, "That's probably for the best. She costs a few hundred more credits to patch together than I do. Any more damage they might have just sold me 'as is'. Not worth putting back together something that won't earn you a return on your investment."

He chuckled at her attempt to tease, "Did you go visit Barla Von again? Anyways, I don't know about that anymore, Commander. Now that you're Savior of the Citadel and all, my bet is they would spend good money getting you ship shape again, no matter what."

"Hmph," Shepard muttered something under her breath about not believing any of that hogwash. Joker's second favorite pastime was pushing his commanding officers' buttons and he had learned very quickly what got his current CO riled up. Public relations stunt nicknames was at the top of the list. He watched as her face quickly scrunched up from the half smile that was there a moment ago.

If her eyebrows went any closer together she would have a uni-.

"Joker? What is that?" he followed her line of sight to the wall opposite the airlock. The wall had been replaced by a sliding panel and a flash of buttons on the showed active tech on the other side.

"Oh that… The Alliance engineers added that after they analyzed the battle data. They decided if I was going to continue to pilot the Normandy, and you were going to continue to command her that we might need some more of these closer at hand. They reported I was too valuable to leave the cockpit longer than necessary in the event of an emergency." Joker sarcastically spat out the word valuable more so than his usual vigor. Probably felt it was a nice way of saying he was cripple. Vrolik syndrome left his femurs too fragile to support his weight on their own. That did not make him incapable in any form, and he had proved himself to Shepard many times. Others, sometimes still questioned him. Joker could get pretty testy about his disability and lack of faith in his talent with a starship. Nice way of saying or not.

"Which is all pretty much the politically correct way of them telling me, we came too close to going down in a flaming ball of tin foil for their inexperienced comfort. And that if they read the data correctly and the unthinkable had actually happened I would have burned up before I could get to the pods downstairs."

He leaned over and punched the panel revealing the escape pod on the other side.

"Don't overlook the fact that reading their analysis and all the possible outcomes left me with nightmares for days. Picturing my one and only in that condition. But I suppose this is one of those times I should give them credit. Makes sense I suppose in a morbid sort of way." Joker peeked his head inside the pod and visibly shuddered.

"Squints came up with something I can actually use, don't ever intend to, for it's actual purpose at least. I'm thinking extra storage for contraband. Any requests Commander?" He looked towards her.

"If you can wrangle me an actual Coca-Cola beverage, I'll forget this conversation ever happened. And not the new-improved-for-all-races KOKE. A legitimate earth produced with high fructose corn syrup and all." Shepard drifted away at the thought of the fizzy drink.

"That stuff will kill you Commander." Joker actually looked slightly surprised at this side of his Commander, but quickly brushed it off.

"It's a good way to go." She faced him square on, very serious.

"Death by carbonation. Can I make sure that gets on the monument? Right under Recipient of Star of Terra and Savior of the Galaxy?" he tilted his head to get a good look at her face, see her get riled up. But she surprised him.

"Joker. If I go before you. I expect you to write my eulogy."

"Me? Commander, I know I can be charming, but public speaking isn't really my thing. Why are we even talking about this? Everyone knows you're immortal. I'll kick it falling down a flight of stairs or something before you go out in a blaze of glory." His normally serious but joking tone was growing nervous.

Shepard shrugged her shoulders. "Who's to say? I was recently reminded to appreciate the now more often. You never know. I just want to make sure that if you're still around in a hundred years you get up and talk about how bad ass I was and how all my enemies cowered under my glare."

Joker actually laughed, "Sure, Commander. I can feed some bullshit."

"Hey! It could be true. You just haven't seen me angry enough."

"No, I have, just not directed at me. Which is why I'm still alive, thank you for that by the way, I'm sure I could've deserved it a time or two. I just find it hard to believe your image will need further improvement."

"I'm sure a few 'friends' will crawl out of the wood work and tell stories how I punched their sister and called her names. Or how I was just plain crazy or prone to tendencies of world domination." Shepard whirled her hands about in emphasis on crazy.

"I just might be one of them, ma'am. Except I'm an only child, so I'll have to think of something else." He flinched as Shepard swung her fist, but stopped just short to tap him lightly on the shoulder.

"Yeah, you punched your crippled pilot instead. Me!"

Shepard laughed and then looked around the escape pod once more. What a waste of resources. She must of said this out loud because Joker chuckled.

"Yeah and of course the extra mass has thrown off all my figures."

He sighed heavily. Which caused Shepard to study him more closely, he looked far more tired than the rest of her crew she had just escorted back. Shepard could only guess his obsession with the ship had caused him to stay by her side during the repairs. Like a lover would stay by one's hospital bed. This change in his flight patterns now probably perturbed him more than he was actually complaining. That explained his attempts to turn it to his advantage, see the silver lining in the form of a junk food closet. Which surprised her even more, because Joker never held back with his complaints. Ever.

"Joker after you set our course and navigate through the Citadel relay I want you to go get some sleep." Shepard ordered her pilot to abandon his post.

"Don't worry about me, ma'am. I'll have plenty of time…" He started back towards the cockpit whilst waving off her concerns.

Only they weren't just concerns.

"I'm serious Lieutenant. You will be relieved of duty, even if I have to carry you down to your quarters fireman style." Her eyes bore straight into his, even though he always tried to hide them under the brim of his ball cap.

"Alright, alright. I'll have Private Chase take over after the jump. She's done pretty well at getting a handle on the FTL flights."

Then a memory from not so long ago, seen through a video panel, of a certain Commander hefting a nearly unconscious Lieutenant, flashed in his mind's eye.

"Is that a promise though? Would you really carry me down? I might just hold you to that. Think of the scuttlebutt if the Commander personally tucks me in." He started to think of how he could milk the rumors.

"It might actually work. The crew would think on all the times you come up here to visit me alone, start thinking of ulterior motives. And bingo! Gutter! This could be gold, Commander. Good stuff. Much better than what's being said about you and Ale…" His eyes widened for a moment as he realized what he was saying and to whom, a little too late.

"What exactly is being said about Alenko and me?" As much as his eyes widened, hers narrowed.

"Um, nothing ma'am. Just you know, not anything like we could generate about us, more of how close you two are, as colleagues. You know, like how I've teased you before about being Siamese twins and all, working together so well. On the same wavelength. Read each others minds. Finish each others sentences. That's all! Just can't resist a good debriefing, that sort of thing. Both love poring over mission date so much, it's like date night. Nothing too risqué, Commander. At least that's all I've heard." He struggled to form every sentence as he searched for excuses and the one-liners he heard floating around. Please don't ask about the video. Please don't have heard about the bet.

Commander Shepard relaxed her shoulders and eyes to their normal state and tried to fake a laugh, "Oh well. Like we haven't heard it all before. Right? What's a frigate without a little intrigue? Isn't that the line from the old vid? No... something like that then. Set our course Joker, and then take that break."

She walked away towards the galaxy map to set his destination for him to plot the relay jump points.


	10. Boys Will Be Boys

He sighed aloud and then chuckled to himself thinking how close that had been. Obviously a little too close for the Commander as well, if she got so nervous about a little shipboard gossip. Who was she trying to kid anyways? Like Joker hadn't been observing their little interlude by the lockers. Right out in plain sight of the cameras and everything. He felt bad for stopping them, but then again they were lucky to have him or both could have been drummed out the service. When Alliance investigators had come around reviewing footage for their inquiry into Shepard's recent actions, he had quickly done a little splicing to ensure it looked like only a conversation had taken place. Being good at hacking extranet security blocks had paid off in more ways than one. Still they could have made his job much harder if they had actually started macking, like he was sure they had wanted to. Though neither would ever, ever admit it to him afterwards when he tried to tease them.

Both had been dancing around the issue of a 'relationship' for months. Both the commander and the lieutenant were too attached to the Alliance and the regulations. They would never allow themselves to falter when so much else was at stake. But he had hoped that they would allow themselves to be happy. Maybe just because he considered Kaidan to be, well maybe a friend, he wasn't used to those. People often pitied or didn't consider him. Alenko, he both paid attention to him and seemed to tactifully ignore his disability. Joker suspected it had something to do with his own disability. His L2 implant caused more trouble than it was worth in Joker's mind. Biotics were usually mistrusted and avoided. Alenko probably hadn't made many friends in his lifetime either. The immediate attraction between fellow biotic Commander Shepard and his buddy Lieutenant Alenko could be felt throughout the room that Joker happened to be in at the time. After a few missions together they were inseperable. Even on his late shifts he could see them in the cameras sitting and talking. Reviewing battle data and mission information, was not the sexy talk he was looking for, but they were both kind of nerdy. He didn't think Kaidan would ever get the balls to make a real move. Until Ilos. Kaidan had come up to check on their progress, clearly anxious. Joker wasn't sure if it was the whole grand theft spaceship thing or another matter entirely. Kaidan asked a few questions and then proceeded to pace, PACE behind his chair. Could that get anymore annoying? Yes, because he also kept rubbing the back of his neck. The click click of steps and the rub rub of skin on skin was enough to drag information out of any hostage after a few minutes.

"Dude seriously. I don't need another stairwell." Joker finally turned around in his chair.

Alenko paused a moment looking very quizzical.

"This whole pacing a hole in the floor. I thought you might be remodeling or something. Really, do you like, want to talk about it or something." Joker tried to sound sincere but sensed it came out more nervous about carrying on a serious conversation more than anything.

Kaidan apparently didn't notice. He actually flopped down into the second seat and asked, "What do you think about all this, Joker?"

"All this, our plan, stealing the ship and all? Or more all this, what is the purpose of life and shit?" He spread his arms apart for dramatization.

"The purpose of life one. Well more so, this whole we are a smaller part of this big cycle of extinction. And maybe now our number is up."

"I'm not really the philosophical type Alenko. I don't know. I guess it's pretty overwhelming to think what's really out there waiting to get us. But I have some sort of feeling it's all going to work out alright in the end."

The surprised look on Alenko's face matched the tone in his voice, "A feeling? Like faith?"

"Uh, I don't know about that. If that's what it is maybe. But I trust Shepard to look out for us, you know. She's not one to let people down." Joker tilted his head judging Alenko's reactions. He stiffened a bit at Shepard's name and looked off into the distance.

"No she isn't. Do you think anyone's ever let her down Joker?"

"Hard to say. She's always got it together. Always doing the right thing. Hell, if I didn't know any better I'd say she's been replaced by some evil double her pulling a stunt like this. But who's to say what goes on inside her head. I certainly don't know. Do you?" He hoped that Alenko would be so distracted with his thoughts he would just answer that last question without thinking it through. It would certainly help him out with his bet. Was it all just a battlefield flirting or were the Commander and the Lieutenant genuinely, irrecoverably in love?

"There are times when she let's me in. I wish there were more." YES! Oh, man he was totally going to win so many credits over that bit of info. He was one of the only ones to say it was love. All the other crew saw it is nothing serious. He knew better. He knew both Alenko and the Commander better, they didn't mess around with anything less than serious.

Okay, but his friend looked really forlorn now. Too bad he couldn't share his bit of good news with Kaidan. It probably wouldn't really cheer him up. So instead he turned the question back on him.

"Well, do you ever let her in?"

Kaidan Alenko's eyes snapped to Joker's face as if coming out of a trance.

"What did you ask?"

"You said you wish she would let you in more. I'm just asking if you have ever let her in. I mean coming from me, you're a pretty hard nut to crack Alenko. I doubt you make it easy on her."

His eyebrow twitched upward before smiling, "Joker, that's pretty wise for someone who's closest relationship is his control panel."

"Oh well. I only give out sage advice once a year. You've found the day. Congratulations."

"I think I need to go... do... something." Alenko stood up.

Then strode towards the stairs with a purpose in his step.

Joker wanted to call out 'Go get her tiger' but realized indiscretion was probably better in this instance.

Plus, who was to say Alenko would actually pull the trigger. He probably just wanted to go have a talk with her. Tell her how much he respected her or some other such nonsense that he felt he needed to say.

All his doubts were cleared about six hours later when Alenko got very protective enroute. Granted that landing was pretty nerve racking; but cool, calm Kaidan wasn't one to disagree with fellow officers quite so… loudly. Which told Joker even louder that Kaidan Alenko had broken regs with the Commander.

And had probably liked it.

And probably wanted to do it again. Which was why he didn't want her getting killed in something so silly as a Mako drop zone error.

No worries Joker had saved the day. They had even left him behind by going through the conduit… didn't see that one coming. But again he saved the day by contacting the fleet and leading the charge. Awesome moment. Epic even. That whole nose dive and firing at Sovereign. He had won several of his exams by combining acrobatics with combat, the enemy never knew what to make of it. Especially the Turians in the simulators at the Academy.

They had all pulled through it to carry on once more. Which meant back to duty. Which meant back to the Commander and Kaidan keeping the regs.

Aww man. As his panel beeped with the Commander's decision on their final destination, he started plotting his first jump.

Only to let the man live once and then cut him off. Ouch. Lieutenant Alenko was going to be ornery until their next shore leave.

Joker hoped for his sake, and maybe a little of theirs, that would come sooner rather than later… as he punched the dock release.


	11. Define The Relationship

Kaidan Alenko subconsciously looked up as Joker pinged over the shipboard comm.

"Initiating transmission sequence... We are connnected. Calculating transit mass and setting final destination for Amaterasu"

Amaterasu… the colony? Ash's home. There would be no questions from any of the crew members as to why that stop was taking precedence. Kaidan knew the memorial had already been held. He had sent flowers. He wasn't sure if he felt strong enough to face her family without showing his lingering survivor's guilt. They deserved a brave face and good memories, not a broken marine spilling apologies. He would need to work on that.

Hearing footsteps descending the stairs he looked to see Commander Shepard with her brow completely furrowed.

He loved that look of hers. He instinctively knew that was her 'heavy thinking' face. Not the 'vaguely tilted head with the smile in her eyes' look when she was about to be witty, but her 'I need to solve the whole galaxy's problems right this instant' seriousness. She had that look a lot lately. In fact, he couldn't recall one moment of it not being briefly flashed through her features, since being reunited with his commanding officer. That troubled him more. He had hoped her away time had been a recovery period. Maybe some healing and meditation to sort through everything that had happened to her. Especially, the part with the foreign memories implanted in her pysche. But after seeing her again at C-Sec, his hopes had been dashed. Dark circles lined a set of eyes that were constantly scanning the corners of the rooms for enemies. She appeared frazzled, tense, and easily annoyed. What the hell had exactly happened to her that would cause her to be even _more_ stressed after the defeat of Saren and Sovereign? He would've thought she'd be elated at their victory. A weight off her shoulders as she accomplished her first official mission as humanity's Spectre. Even if the ending wasn't quite what anyone had planned. Could that be it? Were they really punishing her for how she had achieved those results? Wasn't the whole point of being a Spectre was the Council didn't care how you did it, as long as it got done?

Of course if the whole detention and investigation process himself and the others had experienced was any indication of the powers gunning against her personally, no wonder she was jumpy. He needed to talk to her, make sure she was alright. Needed to hear her speak to him, feel her. Get her assessment of the situation and fill her in on his opinion. They had yet to have much one on one time to discuss the goings on. Considering he actually hadn't been alone with her since… Ilos. No wonder he missed her so much.

"Kaidan, do you have a migraine?" Her tone she reserved only for him.

He realized he had probably been staring. Without saying anything. Way to be creepy, Alenko.

"Sorry Shepard. No, I uh... I was just thinking. About you. I mean I wanted to ask, how are you?"

"You already asked me earlier. At C-Sec." Shepard smiled back at him, which immediately lowered his concern for her. Smiling was a good sign. Even if it was a tired smile.

"No. I asked about your shoulder. I am asking how YOU are. How are you coping with everything? What can I do to help?" He took a stand and pointed directly at her.

"Are you asking as my lieutenant or as my boyfriend?"

"Boyfriend?" Alenko started.

A horrified expression covered Shepard's face.

"I mean... I was just kidding. Hehe... right... that would be wierd. I… I know that's not… I know you're not… I mean it's too soon. Right? That's not what we…"

Kaidan chuckled at her sudden discomfort.

"You know Shepard we haven't really discussed that. I'm not sure..."

"Oh I know! Don't worry I totally get it. I mean we never said. I was making a joke, see. Only it's not very funny. I'm not crazy. Well, not like stalker crazy anyhow." She was babbling now, with every syllable her voice was rising an octave. She was nervous. He made a Spectre nervous. If he didn't feel so sorry for her at the moment he might have taken advantage just to tease her a bit more, but her face was flushing and she was looking like she wanted to throw a smoke grenade and disappear. Those gave him headaches.

"Commander!"

Immediately she straightened up, out of habit more than anything. But then she just looked slightly scared. Probably didn't help he had just used her formal title with her. Remember she's a woman too, Alenko, not just a tough marine. Don't make her cry.

Softer he said,"Shepard. I was going to say that we haven't really had that conversation. A DTR. And maybe we shouldn't go throwing around titles. When we both know it's not going to last..." he watched as she started chewing on her bottom lip "if we start going public. They'll transfer me for sure and neither of us want that. I think. Right?"

Cautiously she shook her head, still unsure what he was saying.

"I'm not the kind of guy to take things lightly. I wouldn't have taken the steps I did to be with you if I wasn't planning on it being a long term option. I thought it was obvious the way I felt about you."

"Well, you're not exactly very open, Alenko. It makes it hard to read you."

"That's probably true. Here I thought everyone could tell just by looking at my face so I was making an extra effort to keep it hidden. I guess I hid it a little too well. I never meant to hide my feelings from you."

"You have feelings for me?" she started chewing on that lip again and her eyes sort of got fuzzy. Oh no! Abort, Alenko, abort. No, just talk to her. This is Shepard. Not some irrational woman.

"Of course I have feelings for you. Deep feelings that go all the way down. You're rooted in me. I don't think I could dig you out now if I tried."

She giggled lightly as her eyes started to clear up and met his.

"The only question I had all along is what you want. You just surprised me when you used the word 'boyfriend'. To be honest I wasn't expecting that at all from you. From me, sure but I thought I was being too serious about all this for you. I just want to give you want to you need, Shepard; support, space, time... whatever. I'm here for you. So tell me what is you want?"

Her face changed into a sly expression.

"You."

It was Kaidan's turn to be taken aback.

"Really? That's all?"

"Why do you look so shocked?"

"I'm not sure, I guess I just thought that maybe now things had changed. That you weren't as interested anymore."

"You're the one that said things couldn't change, Kaidan."

"Well, yes, but I meant more along the lines of our team dynamic, chain of command, preferable treatment. I don't know. I figured after everything that has happened that you wouldn't want… to be tied down. No complications."

Shepard actually giggled.

"Kaidan Alenko, you really haven't been around women much have you?"

"Ummm... Do I need to answer that?"

"A girl doesn't spend countless hours getting to know you just because she's bored. She doesn't listen to you run battle statistics like a skyball play by play because she finds it interesting. A commanding officer doesn't break regulations with her lieutenant just because he has a particularly fine ass. No, all these things means she likes you, as in really likes you. Means it's serious, Alenko. Not a fling, not just battlefield flirting. Nothing to be tied down to. In case you didn't know already, I'm not a one-night-stand kind of gal. I won't lie when I say that things haven't changed. We're standing in the middle of a shit storm. I thought it might lighten up for us; downtime, shore leave, the works, but it looks like we're in it for the long haul. This is bigger than us. This is our duty to fulfill. That part hasn't changed. I am still the same person I was before. Just… more…whole... You know? You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to deserve you. Because I don't."

"I… I don't know what to say ma'am."

"First don't call me ma'am when we're talking about our relationship. That's kind of a buzz kill. Makes me feel old and gray. Like you're talking with Dr. Chakwas."

"Trust me I don't talk to Dr. Chakwas about relationships. She's nosy enough as it is." He wrinkled his nose. "Shepard, you're amazing, did you know that?"

"You might have mentioned it before. But I forget things a lot." She laughed again.

"I'll be sure to jog your memory from time to time."

"I wouldn't mind that. But seriously, Kaidan. Is that what you want? I mean… to be exclusive."

"Shepard. I've considered myself exclusive since you first said my name. There will never be another girl for me."

They just both stood there grinning at each other.


End file.
